Devil Will Cry
by eiahmon
Summary: Dante's bad day.


**Disclaimer: Capcom owns it all.**

**A/N: I have a Fanfic cliché list back on my livejournal, and this fic heavily references the Devil May Cry Section. If you're curious, you can find it here: .#cutid1**

Ah home sweet home.

Dante Whatshisname walked up the stairs to his shop Devil Never... er, Devil May Cry and idly wondered where his little hellions were. Well as long as they didn't get into the C4, they should be okay. They had just appeared one day, and he had known that they were his, though he had no idea who in the fuck their mother was.1,2 He hadn't even had a good lay in years, not since the whole shit with the Temen-ni-gru. Girls may claim to love the heroic type, but apparently that was only true in movies and trashy novels. He'd thought about naming his son Vergil and his daughter Eva, but that was just silly.3 Why would he curse the kids by giving them names like that? Nope, Hubert and... and... uhhhh. He scratched his head. What was his daughter's name again? Sarah? Mary? Big Tits McGee?

Leonarda! That was it!

Grinning at his cleverness over remembering his oldest, er, youngest child's name, Dante proceeded into the back of the formerly dingy shop that was now sparkling clean cause a social worker had freaked at the sight of Hubert and Leonarda teething on swords, bombs and other assorted dangerous stuff. Of course, since there was a demon attack during her inspections, Dante doubted that she would be back, but he had cleaned up like she asked, and only let the kids play with the weaponry for a few hours a day.

See! He could do the whole responsible parent thing! He could!

Anyway, visits by Obsessive Compulsive social workers forgotten, Dante stepped back into the kitchen and grabbed a can of tomato juice from the fridge. He returned to his desk and plopped down in the chair with the can on the scratched and gouged wooden surface in front of him. He stared at it for a second, wishing that he had something stronger, and then he cast a quick glance around to make sure no one was watching. It was worth a try after all...

He stared hard at the can in front of him.

"Release the evil..." he said quietly He stared at the can, and waited.

... and waited.

... and waited.

... and waited.

... and waited.

... and waited some more.

Finally giving it up as a bad job, he picked up the can, cracked it open and took a long swallow. Tomato juice was all he could afford, since apparently raising kids was fucking expensive.4 He had seen so many people with multiple kids that were all smiles as they went spending cash everywhere, so he had figured that all he had to do was have kids and the money would just appear in his shop, but nooooo. None for him. He actually had to work for his money; babies screaming because they needed food and clean diapers was no fun to listen to.

A knock sounded at the door, and Dante jumped up out of his chair. Maybe it was that blond chick, uhhh, Trish! Maybe she'd brought the Sparda back after the crazy bitch had stolen it years before.5 Or maybe it was his brother. Never mind his twin had died on Mallet Island, people seemed to be good at coming back from the dead in his world.6 Damn, just the thought of his brother made him so fucking horny...7

He was only able to barely contain the groan of frustration/irritation/arousal when he saw, instead of his brother, a scrawny little gum chewing punk holding a package.

"Delivery for Dante Whathisname." the kid said and snapped a large bubble with his gum. "What kind of name is Whathisname anyway?"

Dante glared at the kid and didn't answer; it wasn't his fault that the game developers had never given him a surname.8 He signed his name on the line and took the package inside. He dropped the package on his desk before it occurred to him that it might be breakable, but then he decided since he didn't hear anything break, then it must be okay. He opened it up and...

"Oh HELL yeah!"

Inside the box was a neatly folded blowup doll that looked a great deal like Trish.9 On top of it was a note:

_Dante,  
>Since you're never going to see me again, I thought you could use something to help ease your loneliness. That's all you're getting too, you worthless piece of shit!<br>You're not getting the Sparda back either! _

_With love,  
>Trish<em>

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

**OOOOOO**

The cliches used here are:  
>1. If Dante has more than one child, they will always be twins, usually a girl and a boy.<br>2. If Dante has children, their mother is never around, and she is seldeom, if at all, mentioned.  
>3. Dante will always name his daughter after his mother, and his son after his brother.<br>4. If Dante has a son, they will be struggling to make ends meet. On the other hand, if he has a daughter, they'll be well off. The same is true if he has both.  
>5. Dante cheerfully allowed Trish to completely vanish from his life with his father's sword.<br>6. People do not stay dead.  
>7. DanteVergil twincest  
>8. Dante's family name is Sparda.<br>9. Dante has no problem having sex with someone that looks just like his mother.


End file.
